Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
