I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
