Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
