It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
