you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
