I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
