well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
