When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
