Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
