The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
