so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
