I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize