we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
