I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
