I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize