I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
