you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
