can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
