we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
