hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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