I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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