Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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