Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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