You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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