I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize