I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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