My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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