I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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