Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
