im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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