omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
