My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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