I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think my mom watched the whole time
ugly people sure do ruin things
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize