i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
