Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
