Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
