woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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