I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
