Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
