All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
