I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
