My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
