so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
