i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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