I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
