Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
