Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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