Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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