I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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