I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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