how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
