You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We just shotgunned beers for America
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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