Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
