I think i peed on brittanys purse
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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