She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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