My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize