Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
