I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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