End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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