Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
