GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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