I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
