I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize