Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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