i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
